Hi, I'm Lee and I'm a movie junkie (MOVIES Pt. 2)

Okay, I want to make my thought on Easy Riders, Raging Bulls personal. Here it goes. I have been so lazy when it has come to my dream of making movies it makes me want to puke. And i'm sure that it has made the following people want to puke also:
Mom, Dad, Niki, Pastor Brian, Matt and Steph, Curt Tasker, Shane, Tiff Hahn, John Wood and Jon Douglas, and of course me.
Sorry if I left you off the list. I know it was an odd list to include, but I had to remind myself of the people who have a real stake in this thing. I know everyone believes in this thing, but those people came to mind as people who--oh I don't know why, but those people stuck out to me as reminders.
Anyway, let me get off that. I want to talk about my re-realization of something I once knew and understood, but have since watered-down. Here it is:
MY PASSION FOR FILM IS UNREASONABLE AND CANNOT BE CONTAINED, AND I CANNOT BE COMPLETELY HAPPY DOING SOMETHING APART FROM IT.

That's the bottom line. I realized this walking in Border's yesterday. I go to Border's all the time. I want you to keep in mind that I live well below the poverty level. I basically live from payday to payday. I have all the needs (well, at least according to me) Food, shelter, water, clothes, etc... My car's muffler fell off sunday night, but she drives just live she did before. Anyway...my point is, I don't have enough money to be throwing around frivilously. So there, I set up my story. I'm walking around Border's, the day after the Oscars thinking about films. Border's always has movies on Sale for like $9 on a special shelf. So I always check it, knowing full well that I don't have enough money to justify buying ANYTHING AT ALL let alone a movie or something. SO I walk away from it and go to the book section. I go to the religion section, where I usually BORROW a book, and read it at the cafe for about 1 hour and put it back. The new Brian McLaren book was not in yet, so I walk around for while. Then I remember hearing about a book called "Easy Rider's Raging Bulls" (see previous post on info for that book). I go to the Film Studies section and find it. I take it around the store as I flip through it's pages. I'm going to be honest, the book really had me at the introduction by the author. His passion and knowledge of film culture ignited me. I turn it over...$15. Hmm... I keep walking and start looking through movies. Thin Red Line $9. M*A*S*H $15. 2001: A Space Odyssey $14. Ghost World $9. Hmm Ghost World, I remembered really liking that film. I carried it around for a while, God only knows why. Then I remember thinking that Anchorman was a movie I really wanted in my collection, I thought it was one of the best comedies of that year, and it really hits the spot for me when I'm in that mood. So I went to see if it was on sale. It wasn't, it was still 16 dollars. Well, I started walking around with it as well. So I have a book, and two movies with me, just walking around the store. I THINK I was debating buying them at the time, but maybe I just liked the feel of two movies and a book about movies in my hands. I knew in my gut that I shouldn't spend $40 dollars on this stuff. I should put the $40 in the bank where it belongs, or at the very least something substantial. Before I knew it I was standing in the line with this merchandise, literally cursing at myself under my breath. "You ****in' dummy, put the movies back. You're wasting your ****ing money idiot!" But I bought them. Handed over the cash. At least I got points on my Border's Card. Anyway, I realized something. I AM ADDICTED TO FILM. TO CINEMA. TO MOVIES! I would have (and probably did) given up a meal or two or 3, if it meant I would own a great film to add to my collection. I got home, quickly unwrapped them both, open the cabinet with my DVD collection, put them all together and read all the titles aloud for myself to hear them. Mmmm. I put in Ghost World and watched it and read "Easy Riders..." at the same time. Ecstacy. I couldn't help it. Of course, in one sense I COULD HAVE HELPED IT. But in another sense, I was so compelled by the idea that I would be able to unwrap a brand new film, put it in the player and watch. Commit it's style and dialogue and camera work to memory. I was like a junkie. A Film Junkie. If you are reading this thinking I'm weird, then that's cool. Maybe it is weird. But ya know? I have been this way about movies ever since I was in 3rd or 4th grade. My taste has only gotten richer and more sophisticated, and my opinions stronger and stronger. The only thing is, age and life has an uncanny ability to wear down your edge...your motivation to give up your life to make movies.
But over the last couple of days, that edge has begun to return. See the next post for PT. 3 of this.