On A Personal Note...

So, I've been thinking. And I've been challenged. A few more people read my blog now on a regular basis than when I first started, so I get a few more comments. I knew that my posts would spark a dialogue, and in some cases a passionate one. I have been very surprised at the civility with which people comment. I am happy for that. That's probably because most people (except maybe 2 or 3) who read this blog are relatively close to me, or at the least know me, and therefore don't want to be rude. I would imagine that if a whole lot of people (random people) got a hold of this thing, then the comments would be astonishingly heated. Anyway, I digress.
I feel like I have been enlightened a bit lately. By God. Through others. None of the questions I have posted on this blog have been answered. I still believe or don't believe or don't know if I believe the controversial things I've discussed. I want to say that. I HAVE NOT SETTLED DOWN IN MY THEOLOGY.
However, talking to several people over the past few weeks. People who care about me, and whom I care about. Talking to these people has been sort of convicting. Not in a condemning..."Ok, fine, I'll just go with the flow" kind of conviction. But a "what is inside of my heart" conviction. Again, I will state again, what I am saying now DOES NOT mean that I am going to be any tamer, or less controversial, or riot inciting...what I am saying is something personal.
It can be summed up in the way I said it when I was talking to my friend Curt at Borders over a cup of Caramel Latte. We were talking about Copernicus Theory and essentially he has been wondering some of the same things I have been. Not about Copernicus, but about the changes our faith is undertaking and if there are good and bad, and will they eventually be accepted as our faith etc... Well...I said this (well not exactly but this is a clear summation of what I probably stumbled through in real life):
"The thing that's been bothering me is how we always revert back to the box. The old way. It's like me right now. You know, I can complain and try to change the way we do things. I can see things I don't think are right, so I question them. Take them apart. Like biblical interpretaion. Like our church structure. Like legalism. Like the woes of insitutionalized religion. On and on. I can say that all of these things keep us from what we really should be about...caring, loving, being, worshipping, feeding, clothing, etc... I can rant about how we need to get back to these things. I spend so much of my time talking about this stuff. Ranting. Stirring. Rocking the boat. Pissing people off... Philosophizing... Pointing out people who I disagree with (Shout out to Patsy and Fal-wiz-ell!)... And I can end up spending so much time questioning it all and criticizing, and TALKING about CHANGE, that I don't have time to BE the CHANGE. And that in the end, we end up still just talking about stuff and not doing. And that is no different than the people before us who failed to act, it's just that WE use more philosophy, reason, and less church-speak, when THEY used theology, tradition, and church-speak. But all these things paralyze us from action. Or at least they have the potential to do so."
Well, I'm gonna be honest with you, I went on a little long. Meaning, I didn't say all that to Curt. The gist of what I said is in there, but I just kept going.
The bottom line is, I like questioning. I think it is important. Questioning the way things are is how revolutions start. It's how the great reformations started. It's how countries are founded. And not questioning is how things are destroyed. Countries dry up, churches die, businesses become ineffective for lack of questioning. It is IMPERATIVE that we continually question things. When I stop questioning and stirring the waters and rocking MY boat is the day I die.
However, what I am talking about is more personal than what I write in a stupid blog, or what I say. It's what I do. Here are some personal facts:

1) HOW OFTEN I TALK ABOUT SERVING THE POOR= all the time
HOW OFTEN I ACTUALLY SERVE THE POOR =almost never
*other than (VERY) occasionally getting them something to eat or
dropping a buck or two or acknowledging them, I do nothing!!!!

2) HOW OFTEN I TALK ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING PEOPLE= all the time
HOW OFTEN I STOP AND TALK TO PEOPLE (AT CHURCH)= maybe 1 in6 people
" " (OUTSIDE CHURCH)=maybe 1 in 20 or so

3) HOW OFTEN I TALK ABOUT GETTING TO THE HEART OF TRUE PRAYER
AND WORSHIP WITHOUT PRETENSE = it's a pet peeve of mine...all the time!
HOW MUCH TIME DO I SPEND LATELY IN (FOCUSED) PRAYER IN A SINGLE DAY?
=maybe 5 minutes

4) HOW MUCH DO I TALK ABOUT WHAT IS TRULY BIBLICAL -VS- WHAT IS
TRADITION OR LEGALISM = a lot, and with a degree of arrogance
HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I ACTUALLY SPENT IN PERSONAL STUDY OF GOD'S
WORD THIS WEEK =10-15 minutes
*I do read a lot of other books though, but it's ironic how I have reverted back to reading and accepting another persons interpretation of the scripture without studying it deeply myself, which is what I abhor in others. Interesting...

5) HOW OFTEN I LECTURE PEOPLE ON GETTING OUTSIDE THE CHURCH WALLS
IN ORDER TO BE WITH PEOPLE = this is one of the things I'm known for going off on
HOW OFTEN I AM OUTSIDE THE WALLS = actually this I do alot, however, if you ask
me how many good friendships I have built with people outside the church, then that
would be another story

Hopefully, you get the point. My heart has not always been pure in my questioning. I think that my mind of questioning and thought is a gift and a curse. I think everyone has a gift, and that gift always has a dark side and a light side (like the force!). A person who is a strong leader, might also have the potential to be a dictator. A very loving person could also be tempted to affirm and empower people in negative ways and enable them to make bad decisions.
I believe that I have challenged people to think outside boxes in a good way (as people have often thanked me for challenging their thought-processes). But I also know that I have ticked people off and shook them with my questions. I don't want to do that. Being shaken, challenged, and ticked off every once in a while is good and can lead to stronger and deeper faith in Christ. However, as myself, Lee Krempel, what is my heart and motivation when I speak? To inspire thought and shaking to bring good change? Or is it to anger and incite for the sake of it? Tough stuff.
As for me, I am trying to motivate myself to stop being lazy. In every respect. Paying my bills, exercise, spiritual stuff, and actually doing the things I expect everyone else to do.
Ghandi said "BE the change you want to SEE." Well, I know that I haven't. And I think #1 on my list of things is to start trying to do that.
This POST has not been an apology to anyone for my posts. My posts are there more for me than for you, and I cannot apologize or make excuse for the thoughts that spill out of my brain and heart. However, it was a confession. Thank you to the 3 or 4 people who have had the guts to ask me "why."
As donald miller (the writer of the Epistles "Blue Like Jazz" and the like) says: our faith is more about asking the "why" questions than the "How."